| while the firelight's aglow, strange shadows from the flames will grow |
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[28 Nov 2009|03:31am] |
i don't know if you ever find yourself on lj, but if you do...
i miss you so fucking much.
i pushed too hard. i pushed you straight into his arms. i just didn't know what else to do. i wanted you more than anything in this world.
it's not just you. it's everything. i don't want to live the typical american life, but i feel obligated to. i don't want to work 40+ hour weeks just to make it by. i don't know what i want.
i miss you. i mean, christ megan, look how far back we go. just fucking look at it. all of that history is us. all of it. the ups and downs. it's all documented here.
i'm done.
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| pay no mind. |
[01 Aug 2009|06:16am] |
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i'm just posting this here so i can easily access it from work.
convenient. streaming rather than burning cds and ripping them. i'm genuinely surprised my co-workers dig this stuff. i think i love my job but hate my life?
oh and whoever left the comment about how i should've died- thanks and i think i might agree with you.
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| yet onward we marched |
[09 Jul 2009|03:04am] |
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found some old pictures of us at my mom's...around 2004-05. i'm okay. i am. but i still love you, and i don't want to.
goodbye for now. or ever.
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| many worlds i've come since i first left home |
[05 Jul 2009|11:09pm] |
last time, i promise.
i wish i could hate her. i wish i could stay mad. but i can't do it. i'm not going to lie and say i just want her to be happy though. certainly i have no ill-will towards her anymore. but what about me? i want to be happy. and i was with her.
six fucking years. more hysteria. the same thing happened to josh, except it was a shorter relationship...and she was engaged within a few weeks after leaving. if i'd have known it would feel like this, i doubt i would've ever have even spoken to her so many years ago. oh god. the main difference is that she lives mostly in the moment. i live anywhere but in the moment. if there's no more of a future for us, i look back on it as an enormous waste of time. i cherish so many of those memories, but all it does is make it harder. tomorrow doesn't matter if it's gone. this is it, then. i need to recover and move on. i have to.
so, fare thee well, megan. i wish i didn't feel this way. fare you well, and i love you more than words can tell.
goodnight.
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| all this time, but i know i'll be fine |
[02 Jul 2009|11:40pm] |
the thing with lauren/in your ear is pretty much all worked out.
so finally, things are falling into place for the most part. but for some reason i still feel incredibly...strange. i don't know why- i've got that going for me, i'll be in school again and on the road to transferring. but it's all incredibly strange and a little difficult. i guess it's just that this new chapter is beginning and i'm extremely nervous and more than a little sad about closing the previous chapter. i guess we all go through this.
good things are coming. i guess it's pretty obvious i'm still a little torn up over her. well, this new chapter is starting and i feel confident new people will be introduced into the story. she said, many times, that she'd love me forever. and i've said, many more times, that i'd love her forever. the only difference is that i fucking meant it.
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[28 Jun 2009|07:02pm] |
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thank you shane, you made my day:
thedancingonion1 (6:59:32 PM): i thought it was so weird though
thedancingonion1 (6:59:39 PM): when you showed me that dudes picture
thedancingonion1 (6:59:45 PM): he looks soooooooo much like you
leshtricity@gmail.com (6:59:51 PM): dude i really dont want to hear that
thedancingonion1 (6:59:58 PM): kk
leshtricity@gmail.com (7:00:12 PM): maybe thats true but at least i have like some modicum of intelligence
thedancingonion1 (7:00:14 PM): but its weird cause the girls you like look sooooooo much like megan
i don't know that i look like him, but i definitely see what he means about my 'type' or whatever. it really perplexes me, all of the similarities...but it fascinates me, too.
i know i'll get some flak for this, but i've been occasionally emailing megan. just the typical heartbreak-related stuff like; i love you, why?, memories, please call me, etc. i guess going back and reading about how much she loved me and how she'd never have a day go by and not think about me...maybe gave me some more false hope that we could reconnect. so i'm done i guess. i fought like hell to save that relationship and she snubbed me at every fucking turn. then it got bitter. and now i'm better, so i need to move on.
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[23 Jun 2009|02:22am] |
these are some of my absolute favorite pieces from 30+ years worth of d&d core books, supplements, and campaigns.
( warning: huge post )
and do i not have the coolest desktop ever?
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| kiss me, you're beautiful - these are truly the last days. |
[13 Jun 2009|09:02pm] |
you grabbed my hand and we fell into it.
i've been examining, perhaps too closely, the last several months. how long does an existential crisis last? about twelve weeks. i've been doing a lot of talking and not much else.
friends can break your heart, too. when faced with tragedy, it's easy to adopt a more simplistic view of those around you. you don't worry about the trivial things and just appreciate them.
i'm torn. hedonism or altruism? there is no middle ground.
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| for all this time, i know, i'll be fine. |
[12 Jun 2009|10:08pm] |
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strep throat is fucking horrible. i can't recall a time i've felt so sick. nothing helps. salt water, otc meds, rest...nothing. and my god- i can't smoke. it hurts too much. i do light one up every so often and i just exhale all of the smoke. it's more the habit than the actual nicotine i think.
and really, i've no clue why i put myself through this. i've always said you have to be realistic, so i'm going to be realistic. expecting or hoping for anything beyond that is dangerous and pointless. but hey- i tried.
i'm going to make some breakfast.
is this a daydream or a fever?
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| where the secrets all are told and the petals all unfold |
[11 Jun 2009|10:57am] |
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i had a great dream, which is really refreshing since i've either had only nightmares or no dreams at all for the past several months. but waking up from that was painful. maybe it's a sign of things to come. and i still don't believe in coincidence. i'm also, once more, at a loss. maybe i should believe in coincidence and leave it at that, yeah? haha, but i don't want to. i'll keep being cautiously optimistic, hoping something is there.
i won't be taking any summer classes- they don't have anything i need. i'm done with electives, so all i need are a few requisites like biology, math, and the like. i was told that since a good portion of my credits are from out-of-state, i might have problems transferring to anywhere but western. well, i don't plan on going to western, so i'll have to contact unc-a and app state to see. the only way to circumvent that, if they don't accept them as part of the articulation agreement thing, would be to get a degree in liberal arts/pre-major and then transfer...which is at least one extra semester but more likely two. again, i'd like to transfer before i fucking turn 30. cross your fingers for me.
( my mmorpg diary )
oh and i have to share this: i was looking through josh's ipod...and i saw the chipmunks christmas album! lmao.
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| i'm always electric |
[09 Jun 2009|10:08am] |
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oh dear.
i'll give the full account after i fully regain my bearings. i need some sleep. it was one of the most interesting nights i've ever had. i had an overwhelmingly intense experience, but it wasn't...bad, though it almost was. i felt like an estimated prophet in a brokedown palace, but eastern european gypsy music and some very chill people saved me from that fate. i know, i'm too clever by half.
( trip report )
oh and here's the show (lossless sbd) up already. sweetness.
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| steal your face right off your head |
[07 Jun 2009|07:15pm] |
well, i am going to get that tattoo after all. i'm really indecisive with all kinds of things, but i've been wanting it for 4 years now, so why not? not sure where i'm going to go for it, so if you've got any suggestions please let me know. preferably somewhere outside of sylva.
also, i have a demonoid code if anyone wants or needs one. i got one from chuck awhile back and it is bar none the best torrent site out there. it's amazing how great a community can be when you filter out the lowest common denominators.
i'm meeting with my advisor this week, which is exciting. i hope i can find a class or two for summer. i'll also be pre-registering for fall.
phish on tuesday. word.
god i love googling my aliases. it's like a trip down memory lane.
lessthanthree
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| score. |
[06 Jun 2009|05:42pm] |
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haha, fucking awesome. i was straightening my room and throwing out some more of megan's junk (symbolically important), and i came across this bag of change i had stuffed in my closet at some point. so i took it down and cashed it in: $90. fucking sweet. i'm trying to decide if i should do something stupid with it (like buy a video game, d&d stuff, unmentionables) or save it. $90 won't make much of a difference either way, so we'll see. maybe i'll put it towards the stealie tat i've been wanting.
even before this change transmuted into cash, i was having a good day. i can't really pinpoint what triggers good and bad days...but whatever, i'll go with it.
phil is a psychedelic powerhouse on bass. my god.
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| forget the dead you've left, they will not follow you |
[05 Jun 2009|01:23am] |
stoicism has never suited me. not to mention i don't think i could hide my feelings if my life were dependent on it. but i'll try. i really let these things run my life and their effect is catastrophic. the thing that frightens me is that one day i will inevitably face harder and more trying times than this. if the events over the past year have paralyzed me, i can't imagine how i'd react to something more serious.
i'm sort of at a loss regarding what i need to be doing right now. i was thinking of registering for a class or two for the second summer semester, but the selection is so limited i'm not sure. still going in the fall, but i'd like to transfer to a state university before i turn 30. not knowing what i want to major in is also becoming a big deal. it's sort of a battle between my interests and passions versus income potential. there are also a few possibilities and opportunities developing in the realm of relationships, but any tactics i once had have long since vanished. also, i'm not sure how well i'd handle rejection just now.
things in florida are deteriorating. people continually perplex me. but i'm not letting it get to me. i've got plenty to fret over as is.
if there is any creative composition that encompasses and explores the human experience as well as or better than terrapin station, i'd like to see it. also, i found this. his voice is perfect for that.
josh is going to all good again. and again, i'm not going. i've been saying this for years, but maybe next year, haha. speaking of josh, he needs a DD so i'm off.
be excellent to each other.
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| speaking with some french girl who says she knows me well |
[02 Jun 2009|11:20pm] |
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i think we all have a desire/need to be appreciated, accepted, confided in, etc. i've always thrived in social atmospheres, so it's a given that lately things have been extraordinarily horrible. i'd love to say i really don't care what you or anyone else thinks, but it'd be a lie. certainly i'll make my own decisions and what you may or may not think has little effect on me, but still. i'm human. i want to engender more intimate and intricate connections. unfortunately, wanting something isn't enough. does everyone go through this?
i used to jokingly sing this to her. she'd feign exasperation and annoyance, but it'd always end with her laughing and we'd have a moment or something. it started when we saw that old kodak commercial with it. then a few months later i found out jgb covered it- score.
i am becoming inordinately frustrated with this on/off depression. i have no idea what the fuck is causing it. maybe withdrawals, maybe something else, who knows. i'm extremely tempted to share my thoughts regarding people waving their friendship around in my face like i'm a fucking dog, but i'll abstain for now. i've said my piece and made my position clear; i fucked up but the worst is over.
( this really happened )
i want to interact with and get to know new people while building on the relationships i do have right now. so: speak to me. i'm nice, i promise.
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| our captain fell in love with a lady like a dove |
[30 May 2009|10:35pm] |
today has been fantastic. don't ask me how or why, it just has been. i got so much done. i did some extremely hardcore late-spring cleaning. our apartment has never looked this good. ever. it's so nice and...clean. love it.
i also opened up this chess set i bought a few years ago but stowed away. i set it up in the living room, so now we have a certain level of sophistication there. hmm, indeed. haha. i couldn't remember whether the bishop or the knight was closer to the royalty. oh well.
this song used to feel like a stereotypically ice-cold dagger going into my chest. now it just gives me a sense of bittersweet nostalgia. someday i'll meet someone new and then it will just make me feel good again. maybe. i know i drone on and on about the dead, but i seriously fucking love how they can take an age-old folk tune like that and just completely make it their own.
no luck with a d&d/rpg group yet. but i swear by lathander (lolz) i'll find one before summer's end. i don't care if i have to make josh and the goddamn cats play. actually i might do that anyways just to get some good pictures. what classes would toonces and fatty want to play as? probably wizard and bard, respectively. don't ask.
talked to the family today. they got there okay and everything. i hope things improve down there. and, um, certain people (like one whose alias is based on a fucking moron who made incredibly vague and idiotic statements about love) need to hit me up...hehe.
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leshtricity's journal
